I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
