you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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