Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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