I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
