Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
