Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
