Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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