I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
