Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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