Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize