Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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