The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
