Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
