can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
