Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(207): View more from Maine

We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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(716): View more from New York

It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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(916): View more from California

It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.

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(+49): View more from Germany

So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly

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