What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
