then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
