can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
