now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my phone needs a breathalizer
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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