You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
