remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
