Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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