his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
