Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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