he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
