Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
