if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I checked into jail on foursquare
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My bed smells like the plague
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
