it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
