you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
