His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
