We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
