yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
