tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
