why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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