You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
