I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize