have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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