upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
