He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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