You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
