hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
