New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
