god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
