just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize