My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
