I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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