he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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