Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
