So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You took a bar mat shot.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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