I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
