im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
