My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
