I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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