Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
