why didn't you poke me back
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
