I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
