he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
