i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
