Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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