By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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