I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
