Why are handjobs necessary in class?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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