just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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