What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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