The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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