you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
