Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
