She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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