Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
