I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
