my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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